Easter eggs and a belly full of emotions

It's Good Friday, a bank holiday when pretty much everything is still open. Gone of the days of being stuck in the house with provisions from the market to last for a week. I went to see my dad in hospital again, he's been there for over three weeks now with an infection in his urinary system. Apparently, it's a mystery. He's on his thrid round on antibiotics and now has a catheter pumping out blood red urine into a measuring box. It always shocks me when I see it- I can't help but say "it's not supposed to be that colour," to which my dad replies "but they haven't said there is anything wrong with it, they'd say if it wasn't supposed to be that colour." I thought he'd be out after a week but it seems like he'd not doing too well. I noticed today (after not being able to see him yesterday) that he was slumped over to the left side. It was like his left half just couldn't hold itself up. I asked him to lift his arms up, and punch my hands as I'd seen three or four doctors do when they admitted him weeks ago. I don't know if doctors don't talk to each other because they are so tired from shifts, or whether someone is just really crap at taking notes but after arriving in the ambulance (which I had to call despite being told he was ok by the first ambulance paramedics)each person seeing him would ask the same questions over and over again. I often feel angry and sad when I leave the hospital. Once I arrived and he was sat in a chair covered in blood, tea and piss. The hospital that he is in isn't great to be honest but I try to be positive and know that he has nurses there to help out even though they are not the most informed people and the ward seems grubby and dank. I don't know if being around ill people can make one feel sick too but I leave after my daily visits exhausted and I always have a mixture of emotions. I don't know if I'd be considered a 'young carer' anymore being as I'm in my early thirties but I was thinking I'd like to write a story about that theme. I guess I began looking after my parents in 2002, or perhaps it was a little earlier than that. It's been difficult. I'm sure there are a lot of young people out there who care for their relatives who are having a difficult time too.

It's much better than it used to be though. Back in the old days I would have to go to the hospital everyday and take my dad food because he wouldn't eat anything. I would cook him dinners and take him in a taxi. Now I don't do that. I do as much as I can but I try to also do things that make me happy. I'm going on holiday for a few days next week and I'll feel worried that I won't be able to call him directly but I'm not going to cancel my trip. A few years ago I probably would have stayed at home and not gone away. Dad has been trying things he wouldn't normally eat and then some days he doesn't eat anything but a sandwich. He moaned about the pureed food and the "chilli con carne muck," they gave him. I do take him things to eat but often he says "Don't like it," and "Ergh, no it's too dry," and I either end up eating it myself or chucking it in the bin.

I have been more centred as I've gotten older. I would get a lot more stressed in my younger years caring for my parents. I managed to work this week and carry on as 'normal'. I did some breathing exercises today and a yoga session in my front room. I sometimes have to remind myself when I am feeling self-pity (which can be quite often in times of duress)that I am not the one suffering in the hospital and that I should be grateful for my own health and that I have the time to go to see him and be there for him. In some strange way, this hospital episode has brought us more closer together, I'm cleaning up his litle table that gets sticky from the spilt milk and juices, and I've been cleaning and moisturizing his feet and legs as they had swollen and the skin had gotten flaky. I've never done that before. I often feel like I have more insight than some of the medical staff who walk pass blind to detrimental signs that something is wrong with him. I've been giving him some reiki, putting my hands on his back and warming up his cold bruised hands (they said they find it hard to find his veins).I think that has helped just make him feel like a human.

I took in a couple of the anthologies that feature my stories today but I didn't get them out of the bag to read them to him. I didn't feel it was the right time. He sits in his chair all day with no TV and he doesn't want to read, he hardly moves...he's been in that state for three weeks which is some kind of feat in itself. I would go insane. I fear he's depressed and the other day he started to cry and then stopped himself. He's never been very good at showing his emotions.

The hospital is in stark contrast to the storytelling I've just completed for Herefordshire Council this week as part of Destination China. The event has been in the planning stages since October last year. I spent much of the last two weeks making props and trying to remember the stories (Chinese myths that aren't actually very good for storytelling sessions). I enjoyed all of the events and realised that kids in Ross-On-Wye are super smart! Well, and super cute. The journey to Hereford station on Wednesday was divine with the gorgeous hillsides of Great Malvern on the way. I enjoyed dressing up as Guan Yin, the Chinese Goddess of Compassion and Mercy once again, there is something about the outfit, it really does make me feel all floating and goddess-like! The kids loved it. I reckon it's also because the probably don't see that many Chinese people in ye olde countryside but I was all glittered up to the nines too. The storytelling went well and the first session set the tone for the rest. I was very nervous as I had five stories to remember, plus props, and actions for the children to perform. All in all it went well with each session very different depending on the location and the types of children participating. I'm hoping to do more of this kind of thing in the future.

Spring is here and so is the final year of my writing course. How fast it has gone! I am now planning to get working on my memoir. We'll see how it goes, I'm a little bit scared but if I break the project down into sizeable chucks that should make it easier. I'd like my dad to get better now so we can go on day trips out. He can't travel abroad which is one of the things I wanted to do with him, so days out to pretty places will have to do.

I'm going to see my dad again tomorrow and will buy him some cheesy TUC biscuits as he requested. I wonder if he will be able to eat them or not. The mini pain au chocolat did not go down well today. He is like Andy from the Little Britain sketch, the guy in the wheelchair who often says "Don't like it," - that's it, my dad is Little Britain! I hope that like Andy he will be able to get up and have some fun when my back is turned. I did buy him an Easter egg but I ate it tonight whilst watching The Shawshank Redemption.